10.25.26
So this one time I was standing in my kitchen, in my PJs, on a late late Saturday morning, eating an Uncrustable with a few slices of sharp beer cheddar and calling it breakfast … lunch … brunch. As I chased my perfectly acceptable starter meal for the day with some antidepressants and Aleve, I wondered, is this peak adulting? Is this truly what 40 is like?
I’ve been 40 for over a month now and it’s been … interesting. My birthday was full of ups and downs. Obviously celebrating a milestone like 40 on the opposite coast from all of your friends and family isn’t ideal. But at the same time there were still plenty of people who reached out to tell me Happy Birthday and make sure I felt remembered. There were a few people who didn’t reach out, and that’s okay. I’m definitely not perfect when it comes to remembering everyone’s birthday.
It also ended up being one of those birthdays for me where I wanted to just disappear and sink into a hole. I tend to have two types of birthdays — or at least that’s been the case for the past 10ish years or so. I either want to celebrate as much as possible and make a big deal out of it, or I just want to curl up under a blanket and not be perceived for 24-48 hours. Turning 40 ended up being the latter, but despite that, I at least dragged myself to work on the day of and attempted to enjoy the small little acknowledgements from my coworkers. I wasn’t as amazing as responding to my friends and family who might have texted me day of, and for that I feel a little guilty, but I’m doing my best y’all.
Out here TRYING.
But enough about all that.
I have had a few adventures since turning forty, several of which were wildly unexpected and have been fantastic. I let myself be receptive to the opportunities as they presented themselves and leaned into the discomfort when my first instinct was to be like no and hide under a blanket.
For starters, I’ve made a friend. Or rather, they sort of blindsided me into becoming friends and in a gay panic I gave them my number before I could think things through. What I had considered might be a romantic pursuit ended up just being a mutual queer friendship — solidarity for two recent PNW transplants (ironically we’re both from the East Coast) in a land of tall tall trees and literally no one else that we know. And honestly, I’m okay with that. I don’t think I’m ready for more than a friendship (and that’s okay too.)
Together we’ve gone to a local Chalk Art street festival, hiked a bit, and wandered around the place I live discovering things I didn’t know were here. I’ve also visited Butte Falls again (LOVE!), seen the actual Butte Falls, hung out at Willow Lake on my own, and checked out SO Pride in Ashland.
And yes, my therapist/psychiatrist is VERY proud of me. ** preens in successful people pleaser former gifted child millennial **
The Chalk Art Festival, called Art Along the Rogue, in Grants Pass was a lot of fun. It was a cute little small town festival that included lots of really creative chalk art murals, some decent music, and a variety of craft vendors. I ate a decent hot dog, bought a cool tree of life pendant, saw a metal sculpture of a stripper on a stripper pole, and bought the most amazing mixed berry habanero jam from a local artisan.
Visiting Butte Falls again was super enjoyable. I made sure this time to visit the actual falls after my Saturday stint there, and on a whim, decided to stop at Willow Lake after. I took my usual long way around to go back home and figured, why not? It also afforded me some more really amazing views of Mt. McLoughlin, which we all know I’m obsessed with.
True to form, I brought home some rocks. Why? … I ask you, why not?
My new friend and I went hiking just west of Grants Pass at the Limpy Botanical Loop. I picked it on a whim not realizing it was a half hour west of Grants Pass and therefore nearly an hour’s drive for me to get there. That being said, I’m glad I did pick it because it was gorgeous and I had far too much fun. I also, true to form, put my hands in every single creek and stream and tiny waterfall I could manage. This, similar to the rock hoarding, is something I’ve carried with me from childhood and I’m not about to change.
It was neat to go hiking, something I haven’t done in forever. And with it being a real honest to goodness hike and not just a leisurely stroll across flat paths and trails.
My friend and I had pizza after at this really awesome place called Static Pie (formerly Catalyst) and it was absolutely worth the Lactaid.
The following weekend I was able to attend to Southern Oregon Pride and it was sooooo much fun. The city of Ashland celebrates their Pride during the month of October, in honor of Queer History Month. So it’s a nice addition to the usual Pride laden June festivities. I also appreciate that it takes place when it’s much cooler out. It was great to see so many people come out to celebrate something that is so near and dear to me, and in so many unique ways. There were also so many families there — it was incredible. And just so much love. Just genuine love for each other and celebration of people being able to be their true selves without judgment or fear. Whether you’re part of the community or not, it’s an amazing feeling to be surrounded by so many people who are just happy being who they are, and lifting you up along the way. It’s what I wish “the other side” understood about this community.
BUT I DIGRESS …
The next day I was feeling a little worn out from so much peopling, so my new friend and I decided to just do a lowkey lunch nearby and a stroll through one of the beautiful parks. I had an amazing cheesesteak — surprising for the west coast — and saw some really cool murals under the nearby overpass. I love finding fun art in unexpected places.
We kicked the ball around with her dog, continued to chat and find commonalities, and all in all just had a pleasant afternoon diversion.
I’m looking forward to exploring more (it helps that the weather is much cooler now) and also giving consideration to some solo hikes, as well as Queer Climb Night at the local rock gym. I believe in myself. As much as I want to hermit and hide, I know now that if I push myself I can do it, and that I will always be glad that I did afterward.
For the first weekend in a bit, I’ve stayed in. Partly because I was so busy the last few weekends, but also because my neck has been killing me. Like really killing me. So much so that I broke down and made a chiro appointment for the coming week. So it’s been a lot of ice packs, strategic positioning on the sofa, and binge-watching Dark Winds because OMG I forgot how much I love this show and can’t remember why I stopped watching it.
So anyway.
I’m alive.
I’m 40.
I’m achey.
And I’m trying new things.
Hope this finds you in your era,
Ames
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